Food.
I cant think of a more painful journey.
I have spent the last couple of years worrying about food. Before I could even finish one meal I would start worrying about the next one. Would I have enough food? Would it make me fat? I would be so greedy when it came to food. Hoarding, gluttony and obsession.
Eating disorders
I was a food binger. I remember eating till I was sick. It was a beggar-like mentality. I felt like I could never get enough. I remember turning to food for comfort. After a long day at work as a waitress, I would drive to McDonald at 11 pm to buy my comfort. I would crawl into my bed and eat my comfort. But that only lasted for a few minutes. After the binge was over, guilt and shame flooded into my head. HOW could I make such a dumb decision again? Why did I keep eating so much when I already felt fat? Why was I so helpless against my own dumb decisions? I was destroying my body.
Baby Fat
I was a chubby preteen. I remember being told by the boy I had a crush on for a couple of years that I was fat. I was told that so many times that it took deep root in my identity. FAT wasnt something that I had, but it became something that I was. The people who liked me and the ones who didn't were all singing the same song: that I was fat and needed to loose weight. If you dont think that that will MESS YOU UP at thirteen years old, well.. you are wrong.
All I wanted was to be beautiful to somebody. I wanted to be lovely. I wanted a man in my life to look at me and see me this way.
I channeled all of this emotional shame into sports. I joined the volleyball, basketball, track, swimming, and cheerleading teams. None of those things could help my food addiction, but they did help me loose the evidence... If you know what I mean. The more pounds came off, the more attention I received. Those same people who commented on my fat body were now commenting on my skinny one. Every "Wow, you lost so much weight" compliment only sent me deeper into the hole of my disorder with food. I think that people normally like those compliments but they just made me remember the past and feel ashamed. Why did people still comment on my body?
Some of the guys around me started noticing the changes in my body too. Maybe the revealing clothes I could finally fit into helped a little bit. A few unhealthy relationships later and my body image was even more messed up.
Some days were alright, others were really hard. I turned to food for comfort, and to exercise to take away the guilt. When I looked in the mirror I felt either pride of how well I have done disguising that little fat girl or shame for how much she was still a part of me.
I turned to veganism to feed my food idol. Surely if I eliminated all of the unhealthy foods from my diet I would finally stop thinking about food! NOPE. Exact opposite effect. Surely if I obsessively counted calories I would be able to control myself! Nope. Even more binge sessions. Nothing from my own strength could set me free for the long run.
Why couldnt anybody set me free? Why was food always on my mindWhy couldn't food and my body image get off my mind? Why couldn't I look in the mirror without criticizing?
And you may now ask..
Why am I sharing my shameful past?
JESUS
Because I don't have any more shame.
I found somebody who took me out of my obsession, my hoarding, my greed, my shame, my guilt, and my sin and gave me life, healing and restoration. He calls me beautiful even when I don't feel it. He tells me that He loves me even when I feel horrible about myself; that is Jesus. I don't think I have known Him in a more beautiful way then I did when He restored me out of my body image addiction.
The craziest thing is that I have had a relationship with Jesus for a couple of years before I let Him heal me from all of my bitterness in this area. Even while I was a Christian, I would still look in the mirror, and see myself as fat. I would condemn my body by criticizing.
God was gracious to me and allowed me to recieve healing. Here are some of the things I have been journeying in the past few months with healing. For me, healing didnt come all at once. It has been a process.
Here are some of the steps on that journe
- through allowing God to be my Comforter,
- through giving up my rights to fight for and hoard my food,
- repenting of being greedy
- through repenting of constantly worrying about what I am going to eat,
- through NOT focusing on the food I am eating, but on the plans He has for me
- through worshipping Jesus in dancing and singing
- receiving prayer from women who have been set free from the same struggle themselves
It is so absolutely wonderful to know that somebody thinks I am beautiful. Jesus doesn't see the fat kid I saw when I looked at myself, but He sees His child, who He adores. A child dancing before Him without blemish, shame or scar.
Changes are, that if you are still reading, you or somebody you love has gone through something similar. You would probably agree that this journey cant possibly be explained on a few blog pages, but I hope that this has somehow made you see that you are not alone.
I just want to tell you that Jesus can heal everybody. It is still a battle on some days when I feel like I am a fat pig, but that is not from God! Those thoughts are from the enemy. Rebuke them in the name of Jesus Christ! Give your worries to Him, and He will provide for you! Don't think that you have to feel ashamed about yourself or your past. That is not Gods plan for your life! He is calling you to greatness.
I pray that every person who reads this blog post will be set free from any body image issues, worry or eating disorders right now in the name of Jesus Christ. You are NOT ALONE! The enemy is trying to get many of us down, but it will not work, because we are Children of God. He thinks you are lovely. He calls you by name. He is your Comforter. He is your Rescuer. Nobody could be more wonderful, good or loving. Is the battle hard? YES. Is it worth it though? Yes!!!!
And as for those thoughts in our head?.. That is a battle that we are victorious in if we are in Christ.
Dont yet know Jesus? Let your adventure begin!
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