My Journey with Food

Food. 

I cant think of a more painful journey.

I have spent the last couple of years worrying about food. Before I could even finish one meal I would start worrying about the next one. Would I have enough food? Would it make me fat? I would be so greedy when it came to food. Hoarding, gluttony and obsession.

Eating disorders

I was a food binger. I remember eating till I was sick. It was a beggar-like mentality. I felt like I could never get enough.  I remember turning to food for comfort. After a long day at work as a waitress, I would drive to McDonald at 11 pm to buy my comfort. I would crawl into my bed and eat my comfort. But that only lasted for a few minutes. After the binge was over, guilt and shame flooded into my head. HOW could I make such a dumb decision again? Why did I keep eating so much when I already felt fat? Why was I so helpless against my own dumb decisions? I was destroying my body.

Baby Fat

I was a chubby preteen. I remember being told by the boy I had a crush on for a couple of years that I was fat. I was told that so many times that it took deep root in my identity. FAT wasnt something that I had, but it became something that I was. The people who liked me and the ones who didn't were all singing the same song: that I was fat and needed to loose weight. If you dont think that that will MESS YOU UP at thirteen years old, well.. you are wrong. 

All I wanted was to be beautiful to somebody. I wanted to be lovely. I wanted a man in my life to look at me and see me this way.

I channeled all of this emotional shame into sports. I joined the volleyball, basketball, track, swimming, and cheerleading teams. None of those things could help my food addiction, but they did help me loose the evidence... If you know what I mean. The more pounds came off, the more attention I received. Those same people who commented on my fat body were now commenting on my skinny one. Every "Wow, you lost so much weight" compliment only sent me deeper into the hole of my disorder with food. I think that people normally like those compliments but they just made me remember the past and feel ashamed. Why did people still comment on my body?

Some of the guys around me started noticing the changes in my body too. Maybe the revealing clothes I could finally fit into helped a little bit. A few unhealthy relationships later and my body image was even more messed up.

Some days were alright, others were really hard. I turned to food for comfort, and to exercise to take away the guilt. When I looked in the mirror I felt either pride of how well I have done disguising that little fat girl or shame for how much she was still a part of me. 

I turned to veganism to feed my food idol. Surely if I eliminated all of the unhealthy foods from my diet I would finally stop thinking about food! NOPE. Exact opposite effect. Surely if I obsessively counted calories I would be able to control myself! Nope. Even more binge sessions. Nothing from my own strength could set me free for the long run. 

Why couldnt anybody set me free? Why was food always on my mindWhy couldn't food and my body image get off my mind? Why couldn't I look in the mirror without criticizing? 

And you may now ask..     

Why am I sharing my shameful past? 

JESUS

Because I don't have any more shame. 

I found somebody who took me out of my obsession, my hoarding, my greed, my shame, my guilt, and my sin and gave me life, healing and restoration. He calls me beautiful even when I don't feel it. He tells me that He loves me even when I feel horrible about myself; that is Jesus. I don't think I have known Him in a more beautiful way then I did when He restored me out of my body image addiction.

The craziest thing is that I have had a relationship with Jesus for a couple of years before I let Him heal me from all of my bitterness in this area. Even while I was a Christian, I would still look in the mirror, and see myself as fat. I would condemn my body by criticizing. 

God was gracious to me and allowed me to recieve healing. Here are some of the things I have been journeying in the past few months with healing. For me, healing didnt come all at once. It has been a process.

Here are some of the steps on that journe

• through allowing God to be my Comforter, 
• through giving up my rights to fight for and hoard my food, 
• repenting of being greedy
• through repenting of constantly worrying about what I am going to eat,
•  through NOT focusing on the food I am eating, but on the plans He has for me
• through worshipping Jesus in dancing and singing
• receiving prayer from women who have been set free from the same struggle themselves

It is so absolutely wonderful to know that somebody thinks I am beautiful. Jesus doesn't see the fat kid I saw when I looked at myself, but He sees His child, who He adores. A child dancing before Him without blemish, shame or scar.

Changes are, that if you are still reading, you or somebody you love has gone through something similar. You would probably agree that this journey cant possibly be explained on a few blog pages, but I hope that this has somehow made you see that you are not alone.

I just want to tell you that Jesus can heal everybody. It is still a battle on some days when I feel like I am a fat pig, but that is not from God! Those thoughts are from the enemy. Rebuke them in the name of Jesus Christ! Give your worries to Him, and He will provide for you! Don't think that you have to feel ashamed about yourself or your past. That is not Gods plan for your life! He is calling you to greatness.

I pray that every person who reads this blog post will be set free from any body image issues, worry or eating disorders right now in the name of Jesus Christ. You are NOT ALONE! The enemy is trying to get many of us down, but it will not work, because we are Children of God. He thinks you are lovely. He calls you by name. He is your Comforter. He is your Rescuer. Nobody could be more wonderful, good or loving. Is the battle hard? YES. Is it worth it though? Yes!!!!

And as for those thoughts in our head?.. That is a battle that we are victorious in if we are in Christ. 

Dont yet know Jesus? Let your adventure begin!

Lonliness sucks

Growing up as an only child, loneliness is something that I have really been struggling with for as long as I can remember.

Some of my earliest memories are playing in the forest behind our house by myself. Have you ever had an imaginary friend? I did; more than one actually!

Feeling alone is something that  I have struggled with for a long time. Sometimes you feel alone because you ARE and other times you are physically with people but feel alone in their midst. Do they care? Do they understand? Do I matter? Why doesnt anybody  pay attention to me?

Loneliness sucks. It lead to crying alone in the car, depressing thoughts, and wanting to lay down in bed and never get up.

So whats the solution?

For me, it was Jesus. 
 He told me "I will never leave you or forsake you!"

Ive learned over the past few months that even if I feel alone, I am not. That moment when Im thinking that nobody cares, nobody understands or loves me, God is thinking...

"IM RIGHT HERE!!! IM CRAZY ABOUT YOU! IM THINKING ABOUT YOU! YOU ARE MY CHILD! COME TO ME, GIVE ME ALL OF YOUR BURDENS! I WANT TO BE INVOLVED, I HAVE A PLAN FOR YOUR LIFE, YOU ARE SO SPECIAL TO ME!!!!"

I wonder if God feels hurt when we say that we are so alone.

Seek God, and you will find Him.

But another thing I learned was that God loves to give us healthy and stable friendships. A few weeks ago I asked Him to give me a close friend here in Northern Ireland that I can talk to about Him and that can encourage me in seeking Gods face, and He did! He loves for His children to be in community!

What is it that your heart truly desires? 

I think that what God really desires is for us to desire Him above anything else. To LOVE Him with all our hearts, souls and minds.

How do you feel about this desire of His?

If you are feeling lonely, tell Him! He already knows anyway, but He wants to hear it from you. Ask Him for a friend who will encourage and support you. Seek community with the people of God.

But most importantly, seek Jesus and His presence. He is the one who will always be there. Nobody else can fill that space for us. Jesus is the best friend I have ever had. He's never messed up, said something to hurt my feelings, manipulated me, left me, or abused me. HE IS SO AMAZING!!!! If you don't know Him, getting to know Him is the best decision you will ever make.

So please allow me the honor to make the introduction.. "Dear ____, (insert your name here), Id like to you to meet my Best Friend, Father, God, Savior, Doctor, Lover, and just the most amazing identity in the universe" (no overstatement necessary.. hehe :) 

....and THAT, my friends, is the solution for lonliness and friendship, if you ask for my two cents :)

Why do you read the Bible?

The Bible is boring to read.

Wait, before you judge me, this is what I used to think. I never would verbally say it, but it is what I used to think. 

I read it to get it off my to do list. 

Now I have a hunger to read the Bible. It gives me life. I need Gods word to survive. One hour isn't enough for me anymore. 

Here is what made all the difference for me:

http://youtu.be/lJUdLYUxK44 

Self preservation

I often go into survival mode.

I worry that I won't get enough food, enough sleep, enough basic life necessities and and almost go crazy trying to protect myself.

Im not alone though! King David was a man after Gods own heart and he seemed to go through a self preservation phase in 1 Samuel 21. Reading this will blow your mind. 

For the next few moments, try putting yourself in Davids shoes. How would you act?

These are some of my observations:

"So he pretended to be insane in their presence; and while he was in their hands he acted like a madman, making marks on the doors of the gate and letting saliva run down his beard." (1 Samuel21:13

NIV) wow..

Poor David! How scared must he have been to get to such a level? He acted insane. I wonder if that is how he released all his stress for the past couple of months.. After this he just escapes to a cave. Wow. David is really going through a hard time. I can't even begin to imagine being in his shoes. I can't even go without one meal without going into "preservation mode", and he had to do that for who knows how long! I can't even handle somebody making a negative comment about me, while King David had to handle somebody constantly trying to kill him. He knows that he is the annointed king of Isreal, but his situation is looking like the complete opposite. Fear grips him. He is so far removed from all human  comforts that he got so used to. Living in a cave does NOT sound like a good time to me!! No showers, no food, no heater or AC, no bed, no clean clothes.... Man. That must have sucked! I wonder what he thought during this time. Is this when he was writing the psalms about his enemies pursuing him?

What was it like to go from living in a palace to living in a cave?

Have you ever been so desperate for something your body was craving that you were willing to do anything in order to get it?

God understands pelf preservation mode. He loved David and kept a Fathers dry for him during this difficult time.

God wants to preserve us, because our own efforts will make us go crazy, as they did for David.