As many of you that know me may know, the past year I have been a vegan. I didn't eat any animal products or sugar or sweets. I was really focused on health, working out, and posting pictures of my delicious vegan food. -wink wink-
Beginnings
Why did I start being a vegan in the first place? Well, contrary to what I would tell most people, I originally became a vegan because I had a disease for 2 years that affected me every single day of my life. I won't go into details here, but it was something very severe that left me lifeless and drained. I didnt tell anybody but a few very close friends and family members because I was so ashamed of it. My identity became rooted in this disease of mine. It was something that was always on my mind and I suffered greatly from it. I remember visiting doctors and them saying that they can't do anything about it. I tried everything from natural medications, to herbal treatments, to wierd Russian folk medicines, but nothing was able to help me. Since I didnt yet know that I could ask for God to heal me, my last hope was trying raw veganism to cure me. I read stories of how people's lives were changed because of raw fruits, vegetables, and nuts.
Restoration
So I decided to give it a try! To my utter relief and joy, my disease went away within the first week of eating this way! I felt relief sweep into my life like a tidal wave. I forgot what it felt like to be healthy and care free! I felt 2 years of guilt, shame, and anxiety fade into freedom.
Head over heels commitment
Because veganism was the thing that brought me such freedom, I fell head over heels into a strong commitment and passion for it. I became so strict in what I ate and let fear of my disease returning stop me from having any sweets that I wanted. But if I'm honest, for a period of about 8 months, my desire for sugary sweets and animal products completely was gone. I was honestly enjoying my vegan food very much and didnt crave anything else.
It was a season of honest healthy satisfaction. I have never been as healthy as in these 8 months.
Boundaries
During this season of my life, I grew so much in my knowledge about health, about my body, about my likes and dislikes, and in what it really means to be healthy. I grew so much closer to God and saw that His heart was also for our bodies (that I believe He made) to be healthy. I learned about self control. I learned about boundaries. I learned how to say no. I learned how not to be offended when people would tell me that "I'm killing myself by not eating meat" and "how stupid and childlike I am being for thinking I can live only on fruits, nuts, veggies and grains." If I had a penny for every time I was asked about where I got my protein, I'd be rich! (By the way, cabbage and broccoli) I learned to be patient with people who just simply didn't know my background and didn't know about my disease. I learned to be forgiving and understanding when people would try to force feed me meat or dairy or sweets, make fun of me for eating this way and tell me I am living in self denial. It was such an amazing experience to learn and grow these new character traits.
Don't you sometimes wish that things can stay the way they are? Don't you sometimes wish that change didn't have to come? I don't know whether you believe in God or not, but in my personal experience, I love Him so much because He keeps challenging me and taking me out of my comfort zone.
I believe that God saw that I learned what I needed to from this season in my life, and so He challenged me to move on. This was one of the hardest things I ever had do do. Even harder then giving up certain foods was going back on my words of "I will always be a vegan". Veganism became an identity for me, and because of this, it really hurt and confused me when I started to crave sweets again. It shook my world, because I started thinking " I can't eat this, because I am a vegan". I guess I didn't get as much self control as I thought, because I would start sneaking something sweet, like chocolate, once in a while. When I did, I felt guilt and shame again.
Frustration
I can remember the confusion and frustration as if it were yesterday. HOW could I feel guilt and frustration from the very thing that just a year ago was what saved me from guilt and frustration?! I felt like I lost so much ground, like I was taking one step forward and five steps back.
Freedom
My relationship with God grew really close at this point. I really needed Him at every second of the day because I had no idea what I was doing. I was physically healed a year ago, but this year I needed emotional healing. Through some wise counsel from one of my mentors, and having God speak into my heart through the Bible, I decided that it was time for a new season. I would give veganism completely over to God, and ask for my freedom back. I asked Him to let my identity be SOELY in Him, because He is the only thing that will never change. My food cravings, desires and thoughts changed, but my God is still the same. This loving, patient, forgiving, kind, comforting Father of mine was willing to help me get through this.
Uncertainty
This was the decisions that I made: to use this whole situation for Gods glory, and to help other people with what I was going through. I was going to have freedom, but I wasn't going to use it to indulge in unhealthy foods. Health is still very important to me, and I really respect people who take care of their bodies. But if I'm craving some chocolate, I'm gonna eat that darn thing to the glory of God! How does that bring Him glory? I believe that He loves me, and loves seeing me be like a kid who is just enjoying a delicious treat.
I can't say that I have this whole veganism, food, body image and self control thing figured out, and I strongly doubt I ever will. All I know is that nothing, not food, not veganism, not choices, not self control or the lack thereof, can separate me from the love that God has for me. I am secure in a Father who will go with me through every feeling of guilt, shame, rejection, self accusation and happiness, joy, health and self control.
Why am I sharing this with the world to see? Because I want to share how I experienced Gods love to be unfailing. I have found Him to be an unchanging rock that I can plant myself on and not worry about the storms of life shaking me.
I have no idea what tomorrow will hold for me. Will I want to stop eating sweets again and go back to being a vegan? I don't know. Will I want to start eating meat again? I don't know. Will I still be as fascinated in health? I don't know.
But I do know this- no matter what life brings to me, my Heavenly Father will be right there with me, encouraging me and holding my hand.
