This summer I went to rehab. Finally.
Rehab was brutal. 12 hour work days, gardening galore, blistered hands, and bug bites. I was exhausted from lack of sleep, extreme physical labour, and constantly fantasising of quitting. Only being allowed one cup of coffee didn't help much...
Why did I go to rehab, you may ask? My confused friends thought I was joking when I told them I was going to rehab, while others were asking me about any secret drug use.
Here are my rough (yet honest) experiences from a week of living in the midst of brokenness, addiction, rigid hope and unrelenting opposition.
The thing I wanted to share with you, dear reader, was the biggest lesson I learned in rehab.
Lets start with day 6:
I remember falling onto the floor. I remember my whole body hyperventilating. I remember not being able to feel my body, whilst clearly feeling excruciating pain. I remember people swarming around me, trying to calm me down, and give me some sort of medication. I remember thinking, "Is this how it will end for me? Am I dying right now?"
I was stung my a wasp 3 times while working in the garden and ran into poison sumac, which my body had an allergic reaction to.
All week before that, I wanted to quit.
I wanted to come to volunteer at this rehab center to show the love of Jesus to the broken and the addicted. I was really excited about the idea of getting to lead a church service all week for them and listen to the stories of people who have been through so much more in their lives than me. I wanted to understand the addict. I wanted to offer my experiences of the healing power of Gods love from my addiction.
What I didn't expect was to work my butt off in the garden in the blazing hot sun for 12 hours a day, having to follow an extremely structured, military-like schedule, and in the process be disliked by the very people I was trying to help. I didn't expect my life to be in danger. I didn't expect to have to suffer physically, emotionally and spiritually. I didn't expect so much opposition.
I felt opposition in everything I did. When trying to connect with the rehabilitants, I could see that they didn't trust my bubbly, "sunshine and rainbows" personality. They have had many struggles. They have witnessed brutal death before their eyes, rejection, addiction, and darkness to a level I didn't even know existed. They were facing temptation every single day to go back into their mental and physical captivity of heroine, marijuanna and cocaine. They were having withdrawal symptoms as I was trying to share Gods freedom.They had been broken and had broken people. They didn't trust my story of Gods amazing power to heal, restore and make new.
I felt opposition inside of myself. Every fiber of my being was telling me to escape from this environment. I wanted to quit every day. I wanted to give up on "these addicts". I wanted to run away and convince myself that this level of brokenness and addiction didn't exist. I didn't want to believe that the things that had happened to them were true.
I knew Gods grace was enough for my food addiction and guilt. I knew my own story of redemption. Therefore, I knew Gods redeeming blood could cover the girl who drank her own blood. I was sure His love was enough for the ganster marijuana dealer. God could heal the man who abused his wife and children. God was enough to satisfy the girl who cut herself. I knew that Gods love was the solution and strength to every rehabilitant in this center, but I didnt know why everything I was trying to do to help was failing...
During my near death experience, my volunteering time at rehab looked like a total failure. What have I accomplished at this point? Honestly, my presence made it harder for the guys who haven't seen a woman in over 6 months to keep their hearts pure. My complaining confirmed their weariness of their hard labor. I was a failure. The director of the rehab center wasn't pleased with what we were doing. I tried so hard to show these rehabilitants the love that Jesus had for them, but everything I was trying to do was failing. Here I was, almost dying on the floor of a rehab center in the middle of nowhere, Missouri. I have accomplished nothing but a few discussions on Gods love, a few encouraging words, and a few weeds pulled in their garden.
Here's the crazy thing I learned and the reason for his blog post: In the moment of total failure and opposition, breakthrough was born. The very thing that I thought was depraved failure was the thing that God used to bring His life into the lives of this rehab center.
After the workers at the center got me calmed, medicated and showered, they told me to lay down and rest. Oddly enough, I felt God saying to just hang in there a little bit more and to just finish this day of work, no matter how much I waned to quit. In the midst of my questions, tears, disappointments, and failures, Gods loving voice was telling me that if I made the choice to finish the day, he would give me his strength and would give me breakthrough. Every fiber in my being was telling me that I had failed and needed to quit, whilst Gods gentle and loving voice was inviting me to just hang in there for a little bit longer. He invited my broken and hurt self to go back to the rehabilitants and help them with their work. By Gods grace, I made the choice to trust him.
As I walked through the door, every eye in the rehab center was locked on me. They told me that they were betting that I was going to give up and quit. I will never forget one girl who looked at me and asked, "Why are you here? Why are you willingly going through this hell of rehab with us when you can leave anytime you want? Why don't you just quit, after everything you just went through?! Why are you giving up your summer to be with a bunch of drug addicts in the middle of nowhere, with blistered hands from all the hard work you are being told to do? Why? I just dont get it.."
That moment was the open door of opportunity God used to explain His love for her. I began to speak out to her about how Jesus left Perfect Heaven to willingly come to a place where he would be rejected, spit at, beaten and murdered in the worst possible way. He was willing because He loved her. He suffered so we could be freed from our junk, our addictions, our failures, and the horrible things that have been done by us and to us. I got to share that my natural reaction would be to quit on them, but Jesus gave me His supernatural strength to come back and keep because He would not quit on her. He was beaten, rejected and murdered for her freedom.
She accepted that Jesus into her heart the following night when an invitation was made at church, along with other rehabilitants. They discovered Gods love for them and got freedom from their addictions to drugs and alcohol. They discovered that Jesus forgave ALL their sins, no matter how horrid they are and took them on his sinless being in order that the might be called perfect and blameless in his sight.
Jesus used this experience to lead this girl and other rehabilitants into a relationship with Him and an encounter of freedom.
On the other hand, He used this experience to show me that in my moment of my absolute failure is where breakthrough was born. Where I was in my most broken state, shaking and feeling death on the floor was the moment God used to show his strength to drug rehabiltants.
The moment that Jesus experienced the greatest opposition was the gateway into freedom. His death looked like absolute failure. But actually, it was the moment our freedom was secured.
One experience, two lessons.
If you have a relationship with Jesus, is there an area you are wanting freedom in? Is there an area you feel like a total failure? Is there something you are passionate about, but feel like every time you try to do something you face opposition? Opposition is the gateway into freedom and expansion.
I learned that every single time before I encounter a breakthrough in any area of freedom in my life, the biggest opposition happens. The moments before I experienced freedom from my food addiction are preceded by the strongest temptations. The moments before I am wanting to speak on identity in Christ, I am encountered with guilt and shame. Opposition is the gateway into freedom.
Maybe you want to be free from addiction, guilt, temptation in sexual sin,or worthlessness of wasting time on the Internet. Maybe after you ask God for help from porn, you get even stronger temptations. Maybe when you try to be kind, you feel even more angry and annoyed. Maybe you are trying to stop cutting yourself, but feel even more vulnerable and desire the pain. Maybe you are wanting to step out and share the love of Jesus through evangelism, missions or mentoring, your attempts at freedom result in setbacks. Maybe you are trying to grow as a leader, but keep messing up all the more.
Dont be suprised if you are facing opposition in the very thing you want freedom and expansion in the most.
I used to think that temptation and opposition meant that I was failing, when in actuality, but I now realised that temptation means that breakthrough is coming.
When you feel weakest, Jesus is strongest.
Opposition comes before breakthrough.
Temptation is the gateway into expansion.
Before things get better they get worse.
Before things get easier, they get harder.
The night is darkest before the dawn.
Hey there...Dont give up!
If you know Jesus, you are free. Walk in that freedom. Don't get discouraged or afraid when you face trials, opposition or temptation. Those things are the enemys attempts to rob you of your freedom.
Dont give up. Pursue freedom.
Ask Gods Spirit to show you how to rebuke the temptations of the enemy.
If you wouldn't say you have a personal relationship with Jesus, what are you waiting for? He is FREEDOM. He is love. He wants to release you into being everything you can be. He came so that you may have life, and life in abundance. He paid the price for your burdens. Why carry them yourself?...
I am praying for you. I believe that you are a person who is viktoriyous. I believe that the Holy Spirit will show you the freedom that you carry. I believe that you will perservere in the area that you are battling in right now. No addiciton can overpower you because of the Jesus that is living inside of you. You are more than a conqueror.
A conqueror needs something to conquer, right? The battle is already won.
Stand in victory. Walk through the gate of opposition into victory!
-Viktoriyous
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