No Longer a Broken Vessel

Summer rest=reflection.

I am so thankful, emotional, and even a wee bit giddy. Here is why.

I always saw myself as the girl with many problems. When I was a teenager I just went a bit (okay, mom and dad, more than a bit..) crazy. 

I knew Jesus since I was 3 but when I was around 15, almost literally overnight (my great friend Shannon can testify to this), I decided to follow Jesus again. I got baptized, decided to go to Siberia, Mexico, and then Ireland to build Gods kingdom. 

But that overnight change didn’t heal the brokenness that was inside of me. Jesus set me completely free from all my sins and failures the moment I asked Him to, but some of the consequences where still there. Many of you who knew me know that I struggled a lot with the way I saw myself, the way I felt an almost-constant feeling of rejection from people, with my eating habits, and with deep seeded rebellion and anger.

This morning when I was having my date with God, and reading a book “Becoming myself” by Stasi Eldridge (thanks Sophia for recommending it!) I started to remember those broken areas of my life, and I was very shocked and excited that… in some crazy way, most of those areas aren’t broken any more!

My first year as a full time missionary was described as “the worst year I’ve ever seen someone have” by my incredible boss and friend Mark Riley.

 I struggled so much with rejection, which played out by the way I THOUGHT my boyfriend saw me. 

I struggled with anxiety, panic attacks sending me to the hospital. 

I struggled with my weight, living in an extreme world of eating raw vegan for breakfast and cake for dinner. (Not too bad, per say ;)

 I was so confused in the paradox of being completely set free in my Jesus and dealing with all the brokenness inside I was somehow still carrying.

 Sound familiar?

Back to this morning on my date with God, He showed me this picture of Himself as a gardener, doing an “extreme-clean” and pruning in my life over the last two years. The garden represented my life, and He was the gardener who was trying to turn the garden into the most fruitful and beautiful place it could be. I saw Him running around the garden, planting seeds, cutting off branches, pruning the areas that weren’t helpful or growing, and feeding the areas that He knew would grow. This picture made me laugh, because I love that God took what I thought would always plague me and removed it.

Do I still have broken areas? I bet I do, but the core ones that have been afflicting me for the last 20 years of my life ARE. ALL. BROKEN.  How cool is Jesus?!

I no longer think that if someone doesn’t reply to my text they don’t love me. (Yeah I was a wee bit crazy, hehe, sorry Ricky ;) 

I no longer obsess about my body and making it perfect, trying to win peoples affections.

 I no longer believe that the thinner you are the more value you have. 

I no longer have hurt feelings towards my family.

 I no longer search for my happiness and value in my man, but in Jesus, which leaves me to be CAPABLE of accepting the happiness and worth that my wonderful man gives to me. 

I no longer CARE about so many things that plagued my mind for YEARS.

My point?  GOD. IS. GOOD. He totally has a plan!

Full healing and restoration is available, my life is proof of that! Yes of course God will continue for my entire life to change to be more like Him, but how much does my heart rejoice that He has pulled out the “main weeds in the garden of my life?”

Why am I sharing this with the world to see?

Because I have a very important thought to share with you, which I KNOW is straight from Gods heart.

Psalm 119:45

I WILL walk about in freedom, for I have sought out your precepts.

That thing that you’ve been struggling with for months or maybe even years, Jesus Christ is capable and willing to bring you complete, beautiful and everlasting freedom in. Freedom isn’t just for Heaven, but is possible here on earth too!

I claim in Jesus name that whatever we bring to the cross, repent of and DECLARE/KEEP DECLARING our freedom in, we have it in Jesus name. The time has come for Gods promises to us to be fulfilled.

That anger you feel for somebody (maybe even your abuser) that hurt you in your childhood? God can take it. Forgiveness. 
That person you’ve been praying for to know Jesus for years WILL come to Him! Claim it!
 Those anxious thoughts that race through your head? They can be completely removed.
 Depression? Doesn’t stand a CHANGE against the joy of Jesus! 
The fear that your significant other will leave or cheat on you? Gone. 
Feeling grumpy and annoyed easily? Ka-Pow! 
That sickness you’ve had for years? God is healer.

How?  The power of Jesus.

Maybe you are in that “extreme clean” stage of life, where you know Jesus but are completely aware of the paradox of brokenness that you are still trying to deal with. Guess what? That will end. God is good! Have Hope. He will finish that work.

 I proclaim that those areas in our lives that seem unending and all consuming are DONE NOW in the name of Jesus. It is finished. 

I believe that you are capable of walking in freedom.

Or maybe you don’t even know Jesus yet and don’t know that there are areas he wants to bring healing and freedom in your life. Guess what? Jesus is the best. He is SO INCREDIBLE and a very loving and patient God. He cares too much about you to let you suffer with unforgivness, anger or anything else. Restoration is up for grabs. Do you want it?

I’d encourage you to pray about this! See what He has to say. After all, this is His blog post, not mine. ;)

 Also ask Him what areas He has already brought healing to. Maybe you don’t realize how much God has done! A thankful heart is such a powerful tool! Thank Him for where He has already brought you. God is working in every persons life, whether they know Him or not.

Our job is to bring restoration to others. If Jesus is living inside of us, how can we not? Id love for you to pray about one person who you think God would want to share this with. Ask Him, and share this with the first person who pops in your head! Walk with them through whatever season they are in. Your story, what you have been through, is so powerful! No matter what part you are at. Use this as a tool to start a relationship of growing together and reaching for that area of complete freedom!

My heart is so joyful with this freedom! Thank you to all the people who have journeyed my “extreme-clean” with me. Thanks parents, for your love and support through everything. I couldn’t ask for better parents, you are incredible. Thanks Richard, for loving and supporting me through the darkest time of my life. Thank you Mark, for having those tough conversations with me that brought so much life! 

Prayers work. Praise God. Have hope. Have joy. Have freedom.

Id love to hear what other people journeyed with freedom, about your own seasons of “extreme cleans”, so please let me know where you are at! Id love to pray with anybody or celebrate with those who walked through dark seasons.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and pass on!

Bless you!

Love,

Viktoriyous.

Isaish 61

The spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor. He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted and to proclaim that captives will be released and prisoners will be freed. He has sent me to tell those who mourn that the time of the Lord’s favor has come, and with it, the day of Gods anger against their enemies. To ALL who mourn in Israel He will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like oaks that the Lord has planted for His own glory. They will rebuild ancient ruins, repairing cities long ago destroyed. He will revive them, though they have been deserted for many generations. Instead of shame and dishonor, you will enjoy a double share of honor. You will possess a double portion of prosperity in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours.

Romans 6:22

Now that you have been set free from sin and became slaves of God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. 

A Wee Act of Kindness

Yesterday I was having a really hard day. Fridays are always tough for my bloom and burn personality.. By the time Friday comes around, I'm barely hanging on. 

I've never really seen the importance of wee acts of kindness (such as writing a kind note for somebody, getting them a coffee, or telling them what a great job they are doing). 

Let me explain.. 

Me saying that sounds quite silly because one of the things I do for a living is teaching kids to get Gods love and then give it away through wee acts of kindness. I preach it, I do it, I encourage others to do it. I always knew this was a good thing to do, but never really understood the significance of it.

Why?

 Well.. Honestly, because of how much God blesses me. I'm surrounded day in and day out by people who are constantly sharing Gods love through wee acts of kindness. I am blessed to live in a house with 4 girls who made it a challenge to "outdo each other in showing honor to each other." Thank you God! You can't walk around the corner  in my workplace without someone telling you in a Northern Irish (or Kiwi) accent that "you are awesome" or "God is so proud of you" or "you are doing a wonderful job".  

Count my blessings? Too many too count..

I don't know if that is possible, but the familiarity of wee acts of kindness bred apathy. Maybe even feelings of entitlement?...

Anyways.. 

Yesterday, Iike I said, was rough. I felt like crying (or did) for most of Thursday and Friday, because of my battle with sickness, feelings of depression, dread and wanting to quit everything I am doing. 

I was out in the Coleraine town centre giving out lollipops and building relationships with young people, as me and my Pais team do every Friday. I was just feeling rubbish. 

Of course I had my joyful American face on, but inside I wanted to quit everything I've worked for, run away, and even stop serving God. Yikes.. I know..

As me and my team were about to go to our next event planned that evening, the pastor of our 1000+ church, Alan Scott, comes up to the interns and says.. "Great job, guys! Can I get you a coffee?"

This amazing man then went off to buy the interns any coffee they wanted, and encourage us for standing out in the cold, building relationships that will show Jesus to these kids.

I was stunned. Surely, he had much better things to do than buy interns coffee?! 

A wee act of kindness. My entire day was turned around. Entitlement gone, feelings of wanting to quit gone, and dread and depression gone. 

A wee act of kindness. A powerful man showing Gods love and appreciation for us made me realize that not everybody lives in such a wonderful bubble of encouragement as I do, and that wee acts of kindness that I have been doing (and encouraging others to do) are so much more significant than I ever knew. 

It made me realize that my one bad day was so much easier than most people have who don't have the encouragement, friendship and support of Jesus in their lives. It gave my work meaning and encouraged me to continue doing what I am doing. 

People's lives are at stake here! 

Can you think of a time where somebody made your day through a wee act of kindness?

If you don't know Jesus as your encouragement and support, or don't know the community of encouragement I was speaking of.. I want to say that I believe with every bone in my body that life is truly, undeniably, 110% better with Jesus and His people.

Do friends of God have hard times? Definitely. Do we feel down and depressed? Sadly, sometimes yes! But as a friend of God, God will always overcome anything our life brings us. He makes our good times in life even better, and turns the bad times in life into learning and growing moments. There's no way to loose with God as a friend.

If you do have God as a friend and encourager, my goal is that this post would somehow help burst any entitlement. We actually don't deserve to be always treated with honour and respect. That's a blessing.

Also, I would hope that this post would help to open your eyes to people who are not feeling as great as you are. Lots of people struggle in life and with haunting thoughts. Even people who fake it, as I was. Ask God to guide you, and see what wee acts of kindness you can do to encourage and uplift those around you.

I am now not only a doer and teacher of wee acts of kindness, but a firm believer. 

Thank you to those who have supported and encouraged me in my time of struggle. And thank you Alan Scott, for caring about your interns :)

P.s.

Those thoughts that were haunting me, I am still feeling tempted to think them, but I am now choosing joy, choosing hope, choosing thanksgiving and choosing wonder. If you are struggling with any haunting thoughts, (such as of rejection, suicide, worthlessness, or anxiety) tell God. He will send help. Also, tell some people who can pray for you and keep you accountable..

Be blessed, dear reader!

-Viktoriyous

If this post has helped you in any way, please share it with anybody who you think it would benefit. Also, please let me know if it helped you :) 

Life Lessons from my Time in Rehab

This summer I went to rehab. Finally. 

Rehab was brutal. 12 hour work days, gardening galore, blistered hands, and bug bites.  I was exhausted from lack of sleep, extreme physical labour, and constantly fantasising of quitting. Only being allowed one cup of coffee didn't help much...

Why did I go to rehab, you may ask? My confused friends thought I was joking when I told them I was going to rehab, while others were asking me about any secret drug use.

Here are my rough (yet honest) experiences from a week of living in the midst of brokenness, addiction, rigid hope and unrelenting opposition. 

The thing I wanted to share with you, dear reader, was the biggest lesson I learned in rehab. 

Lets start with day 6:

 I remember falling onto the floor. I remember my whole body hyperventilating. I remember not being able to feel my body, whilst clearly feeling excruciating pain.  I remember people swarming around me, trying to calm me down, and give me some sort of medication. I remember thinking, "Is this how it will end for me? Am I dying right now?"

I was stung my a wasp 3 times while working in the garden and ran into poison sumac, which my body had an allergic reaction to. 

All week before that, I wanted to quit.

 I wanted to come to volunteer at this rehab center to show the love of Jesus to the broken and the addicted. I was really excited about the idea of getting to lead a church service all week for them and listen to the stories of people who have been through so much more in their lives than me. I wanted to understand the addict. I wanted to offer my experiences of the healing power of Gods love from my addiction.

What I didn't expect was to work my butt off in the garden in the blazing hot sun for 12 hours a day, having to follow an extremely structured, military-like schedule, and in the process be disliked by the very people I was trying to help. I didn't expect my life to be in danger. I didn't expect to have to suffer physically, emotionally and spiritually. I didn't expect so much opposition. 

I felt opposition in everything I did. When trying to connect with the rehabilitants, I could see that they didn't trust my bubbly, "sunshine and rainbows" personality. They have had many struggles. They have witnessed brutal death before their eyes, rejection, addiction, and darkness to a level I didn't even know existed. They were facing temptation every single day to go back into their mental and physical captivity of heroine, marijuanna and cocaine. They were having withdrawal symptoms as I was trying to share Gods freedom.They had been broken and had broken people. They didn't trust my story of Gods amazing power to heal, restore and make new.

 I felt opposition inside of myself. Every fiber of my being was telling me to escape from this environment. I wanted to quit every day. I wanted to give up on "these addicts". I wanted to run away and convince myself that this level of brokenness and addiction didn't exist. I didn't want to believe that the things that had happened to them were true. 

I knew Gods grace was enough for my food addiction and guilt. I knew my own story of redemption. Therefore, I knew Gods redeeming blood could cover the girl who drank her own blood. I was sure His love was enough for the ganster marijuana dealer. God could heal the man who abused his wife and children. God was enough to satisfy the girl who cut herself. I knew that Gods love was the solution and strength to every rehabilitant in this center, but I didnt know why everything I was trying to do to help was failing...

During my near death experience, my volunteering time at rehab looked like a total failure. What have I accomplished at this point? Honestly, my presence made it harder for the guys who haven't seen a woman in over 6 months to keep their hearts pure. My complaining confirmed their weariness of their hard labor. I was a failure. The director of the rehab center wasn't pleased with what we were doing. I tried so hard to show these rehabilitants the love that Jesus had for them, but everything I was trying to do was failing. Here I was, almost dying on the floor of a rehab center in the middle of nowhere, Missouri. I have accomplished nothing but a few discussions on Gods love, a few encouraging words, and a few weeds pulled in their garden. 

Here's the crazy thing I learned and the reason for his blog post: In the moment of total failure and opposition, breakthrough was born. The very thing that I thought was depraved failure was the thing that God used to bring His life into the lives of this rehab center. 

After the workers at the center got me calmed, medicated and showered, they told me to lay down and rest. Oddly enough, I felt God saying to just hang in there a little bit more and to just finish this day of work, no matter how much I waned to quit. In the midst of my questions, tears, disappointments, and failures, Gods loving voice was telling me that if I made the choice to finish the day, he would give me his strength and would give me breakthrough. Every fiber in my being was telling me that I had failed and needed to quit, whilst Gods gentle and loving voice was inviting me to just hang in there for a little bit longer. He invited my broken and hurt self to go back to the rehabilitants and help them with their work. By Gods grace, I made the choice to trust him.

As I walked through the door, every eye in the rehab center was locked on me. They told me that they were betting that I was going to give up and quit. I will never forget one girl who looked at me and asked, "Why are you here? Why are you willingly going through this hell of rehab with us when you can leave anytime you want? Why don't you just quit, after everything you just went through?! Why are you giving up your summer to be with a bunch of drug addicts in the middle of nowhere, with blistered hands from all the hard work you are being told to do? Why? I just dont get it.."

That moment was the open door of opportunity God used to explain His love for her. I began to speak out to her about how Jesus left Perfect Heaven to willingly come to a place where he would be rejected, spit at, beaten and murdered in the worst possible way. He was willing because He loved her. He suffered so we could be freed from our junk, our addictions, our failures, and the horrible things that have been done by us and to us. I got to share that my natural reaction would be to quit on them, but Jesus gave me His supernatural strength to come back and keep because He would not quit on her. He was beaten, rejected and murdered for her freedom.

She accepted that Jesus into her heart the following night when an invitation was made at church, along with other rehabilitants. They discovered Gods love for them and got freedom from their addictions to drugs and alcohol. They discovered that Jesus forgave ALL their sins, no matter how horrid they are and took them on his sinless being in order that the might be called perfect and blameless in his sight. 

Jesus used this experience to lead this girl and other rehabilitants into a relationship with Him and an encounter of freedom.

 On the other hand, He used this experience to show me that in my moment of my absolute failure is where breakthrough was born. Where I was in my most broken state, shaking and feeling death on the floor was the moment God used to show his strength to drug rehabiltants. 

The moment that Jesus experienced the greatest opposition was the gateway into freedom. His death looked like absolute failure. But actually, it was the moment our freedom was secured. 

One experience, two lessons.

If you have a relationship with Jesus, is there an area you are wanting freedom in? Is there an area you feel like a total failure? Is there something you are passionate about, but feel like every time you try to do something you face opposition? Opposition is the gateway into freedom and expansion.

I learned that every single time before I encounter a breakthrough in any area of freedom in my life, the biggest opposition happens. The moments before I experienced freedom from my food addiction are preceded by the strongest temptations. The moments before I am wanting to speak on identity in Christ, I am encountered with guilt and shame. Opposition is the gateway into freedom.

Maybe you want to be free from addiction, guilt, temptation in sexual sin,or worthlessness of wasting time on the Internet. Maybe after you ask God for help from porn, you get even stronger temptations. Maybe when you try to be kind, you feel even more angry and annoyed. Maybe you are trying to stop cutting yourself, but feel even more vulnerable and desire the pain.  Maybe you are wanting to step out and share the love of Jesus through evangelism, missions or mentoring, your attempts at freedom result in setbacks. Maybe you are trying to grow as a leader, but keep messing up all the more.

Dont be suprised if you are facing opposition in the very thing you want freedom and expansion in the most. 

I used to think that temptation and opposition meant that I was failing, when in actuality, but I now realised that temptation means that breakthrough is coming. 

When you feel weakest, Jesus is strongest.

Opposition comes before breakthrough. 

Temptation is the gateway into expansion. 

Before things get better they get worse.

 Before things get easier, they get harder. 

The night is darkest before the dawn. 

Hey there...Dont give up!

If you know Jesus, you are free. Walk in that freedom. Don't get discouraged or afraid when you face trials, opposition or temptation. Those things are the enemys attempts to rob you of your freedom. 

Dont give up. Pursue freedom. 

Ask Gods Spirit to show you how to rebuke the temptations of the enemy.

If you wouldn't say you have a personal relationship with Jesus, what are you waiting for? He is FREEDOM. He is love. He wants to release you into being everything you can be. He came so that you may have life, and life in abundance. He paid the price for your burdens. Why carry them yourself?...

I am praying for you. I believe that you are a person who is viktoriyous. I believe that the Holy Spirit will show you the freedom that you carry. I believe that you will perservere in the area that you are battling in right now. No addiciton can overpower you because of the Jesus that is living inside of you. You are more than a conqueror. 

A conqueror needs something to conquer, right? The battle is already won.

 Stand in victory. Walk through the gate of opposition into victory!

-Viktoriyous 

If this blog has been any help to you, please share it with somebody who you think it could benefit. I want to release people into walking in the freedom they carry, and I would love your help in doing that. Comments and Subscriptions welcome!